A comedic mystery by: Wendy Raimi

Characters:

Sam (Samantha) - The detective

Poncho Wendy - has Wakko type accent - sidekick and Harpo/Wakko type person.

Nikita - twin to Lorraine - femme fatale and girl with foreign accent

Lorraine - twin to Nikita - femme fatale and girl with U.S.A. eastern type accent.

Kaleialani (Lani) - Audience member who helps bring actors back on track or suggests info which no of the other members remembers. Ends up being the "brains" of the outfit.

There is a spotlight on stage, but everything else is dark and silent until a scream. A few minutes later there is another scream and someone suddenly pops into the spotlight.

"Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, but is there a doctor in the house?" (pause) "No? Aw, such a shame. We must then bring you our alternate story. 'Connelly's Film Noir!'. Presented to you by the Film Study class of 2001 and the magical oven of Narnia. Nothin' says lovin' like an easy bake oven." The girl goes away, the spotlight dims and Prelude to a murder (from Psycho) plays as some sort of credits go bye.

Next there is a fadeout and fade in as it shows part of a city (or part of the campus) a voice over pronounces:

Sam: This! Is the city of Anaheim! And I!...I'm no one important. Actually, I am rather important since, after all, I am the star of this movie. But that's not important. What is important is this story. For you see, earlier, there was a theft right here on this very campus! And I! along with my sidekick Poncho Wendy,

Sam: have decided to solve this crime! After all...it is my free block and I'm pretty sure I've got time. Isn't that right Poncho Wendy?

Sam nods once assuredly and resumes speech.

Sam: It all started when they walked in...

Femme Fatale twins, Nikita and Lorraine, enter. We now see on stage a desk and something that says "Private eye" with an eye drawn in the middle.

Sam: May I help you?

Nik: We need the help of a...gum shoe.

Lor: One who can find a very valuable object for us.

Wendy: Ooh! You want us to find your sled?

Sam: There's a reason why she's my silent partner!

Wend: blush and hides into her clothes

Sam: Now, what might this valuable object be?

Nik: It is a doll, but not just any doll. It has magical powers!

Lani popping in from nowhere: And a diamond necklace!

Lor: And a diamond necklace.

Nik: nodding And a diamond necklace.

Sam: to Wendy Is there an echo in here?

Wend: shrugs

Sam: Well then, what kind of magical powers?

Lor: No one knows but we are sure it is very powerful magic!

Nik: And has to do with Narnia!

Sam: drawn out Right. Well, what does the doll look like?

Lor: Like a cabbage patch doll.

Nik: With brown hair.

Lani: And blue eyes.

Wendy: It's the crimp and style cabbage patch doll.

Sam: amazed How do you know?!

Wendy: I read ahead.

Sam: rolls eyes Well then, where did you last see it?

Nik: We saw it at the Coco Bongo Club over on Sunset.

Sam: Well, you do know that once you find out the magical powers this doll has, I'll want the diamond necklace.

Lor: Why not just the doll?

Sam: pointing to Wendy Cause she'll end up playing with it and then lose it like she did with her easy bake oven!

Wendy: blushes and hides in her clothes again.

Nik: When you get there, talk with the manager, Lani. Tell her La Femme Nikita sent you.

Sam: All right Wendy! To the Noir-mobile!

Perhaps some sort of Batman next scene music plays?

Some type of 40's nightclub with soft music plays. Nik and Lor are sitting in a corner with their faces hidden by a menu. Lani is rubbing down the bar.

Lani: looking up Can I help you?

Wend: La Femme Nikita sent us.

Lani: raised brow Is that right?

Wendy: nodding feverently: She's also looking for her dolly. Have you seen it?

Lani: What's it worth to you?

Sam: A dead body if you don't tell us where it is!

Lani: weird look Well, I was hoping for money, but perhaps we can arrange something. This doll, it is the one with the diamond necklace?

Sam: Yes.

Lani: The one that's worth millions?

Wendy: sparkles her eyes Millions?

Sam: baps Wendy Look, can you give us the info or not?

Lani: sigh The girls in the corner. Ask them.

Sam and Wend walk up to the twins. They lower their menus only to show that they are wearing sunglasses.

Sam: Do you know of a missing doll?

Nik: We know of thee missing doll.

Sam: Same thing. Do you know where we can find it?

Lor: Perhaps we can show you.

Sunddenly everything is taken away and the room goes dark. Punch sound effects happen? and the lights slowly come up to show Wendy and Sam on the floor, unconcious with the twins now in full fatale costumes.

Nik: They shall never find the doll for!--

Lani: pops up w/ doll I have always had it!

Lor, Lani and Nik all laugh in those cheesy fake villan laughs.

Lor: And now to find out what powers this doll has.

Sam: getting up Not so fast fatale twins! Hand that doll over or else!

Nik: Or else what?

Wendy: We'll sing Barney songs until you hand it over!

Lor: horror struck You wouldn't!

Nik: You couldn't!

Sam: You shouldn't.

Wendy: Oh shan't I? begins to sing I is for imagine, m is for me, a is for alphabet---

Everybody except Wendy

Sam: Hand over that doll!

Nik: Gotta catch it first!

Nik, Lor and Lani begin to play keep away from Sam and Wendy until Wendy finally catches it.

Wendy: Ah-ha! Now!...

Everyone stands frozen in place as Sam comes forward to the stage.

Sam: in announcer’s voice We interrupt this program to bring you an important bulletin. No one would understand Wendy if she continued with her sentence. Now back to our show!

Everything goes black. When the lights come back up, Nick and Sam are together with the spotlight on them in some real dramatic shot.

Sam: You know, most of the time they just lock up those dolls in the slammer while the detective gets all the glory.

Nik: Please Sam. Don't let that happen to me.

Sam: shocked and confused What are you talking about? It'll happen to me! Technically you guys owned the doll all the time. But I? resume dramatic I was just a pawn in your game. Framed for robbery...kidnapping...attempted blanche-noir parody. No Nikita. You won't be going to jail, but alas, I will. For I have nothing now except my dignity.

Wendy: comes in and pants Sam only to show that Sam is wearing another pair of pants

Sam: No, now my dignity is gone too. All I have is my pride.

Wendy: shrugs and heads off stage

Nik: Well. At least you know you were loved.

Sam: Too true.

Fade out and it comes back to the Private eye office now.

Sam: Well, since you guys have always had the doll I guess this is over.

Lor: Thanks for your help Samantha shakes Sam's hand

Sam: shaking No prob.

Nik: moves her way to Wendy And thank you Poncho Wendy. about ready to shake her hand when all of a sudden a silver fork falls from her sleeve. Then a few more forks. Suddenly a couple thousand forks fall. And then it all stops.

Sam: What? No teapot?

Wendy: a couple spoons and a butter knife falls out. Wendy blinks, confused and shakes her sleeve. Nothing comes out. She peers into the sleeve. Looks confused and shakes the sleeve again. She shrugs and a teapot falls out. She smiles proudly and claps. Everyone else shrugs, waves to the camera and then....

The End